verb (used with object)
1.
to use wrongly or improperly; misuse: to abuse one'sauthority.
2.
to treat in a harmful, injurious, or offensive way: to abuse ahorse; to abuse one's eyesight.
3.
to speak insultingly, harshly, and unjustly to or about; revile;malign.
4.
to commit sexual assault upon.
5.
Obsolete . to deceive or mislead.
noun
6.
wrong or improper use; misuse: the abuse of privileges.
7.
8.
bad or improper treatment; maltreatment: The child wassubjected to cruel abuse.
9.
a corrupt or improper practice or custom: the abuses of atotalitarian regime.
10.
rape or sexual assault.
http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/abuse
I have 2 amazing children and it's true when they say you never know how much your parents love you until you have kids of your own. I grew up with a wonderful mother she was always there for me even when no one else was, even my dad. I did however grow up with a man that would come home from work and beat me for no reason. My mother didn't know about most of it because for the most part she was never home when it happened but it was hard because as a little kid I couldn't understand why I was being hit. Once I saw a spider in the bath tub and he came in, pulled me out, threw me on the bed and beat me with a belt. I had no idea why me screaming over a spider was such a bad thing. He did the same thing when I forgot to turn on the cold water and stuck my foot in scolding hot water. There are many other times like that but really the point is my children will never have to go through that. Chris is a wonderful father and would never hit them. Seeing him as a dad makes me think about just how much my father really didn't love me. He loved me but not enough to stay a part of my life or even send birthday cards. I always thought about my dad and what he was like I often wondered what he was doing or even looked like. My mother always told me stories of him and was always sure to tell me that he loved me. As a kid I trusted what she told me was true and never questioned if he did or not, even when he passed away I still thought he loved me. But now as a parent I think how could he just walk away and never look back? I've asked Chris if he could ever walk away and he always tells me no. My mother grew up without her mother and she always tells me she could never walk away. I would be lost without my kids. Hell, I waited and prayed to hard for them to ever be so selfish. I recently went to a funeral and the preacher said "It's easy to be selfish and hard to be involved." It's true. I wish sometimes that I could just got to bed and sleep. But I struggled every night with K for him to fall asleep. I can't help but help him. It's not easy but it's worth it when he wakes up and smiles at me because finally he feels rested. Chris gets depressed even when one of our kids stays with a grandparent for too long. Which always makes me happy that I found such a wonderful man. There is a reason I write of such things...it makes me so sad to see kids getting hit or treated badly. I struggle with the abuse and the abandonment even to this day. I wonder if these men know just how much damage they did to my self esteem and the effect it still has on me and the people in my life. For example: I cannot stand men with dark chest hair and back hair because my abuser had dark chest and back hair. I recently saw him at my old job. He walked right up to the counter and I said hello he acted as if he didn't even know who I was. I told him "my name is Jenny I was your step daughter for 7 years." but what I really wanted to say was, " my name is Jenny you beat me for 7 years!" I shook for almost and hour after he left. It takes a coward to hit a child. My abuser would hit me because someone made him feel bad about himself. If your that angry go hit a wall but a child can't fight back and is that really the legacy you want to leave behind? Do you really want your kids telling your grandkids how you used to hit them or how you where so mean that they never knew if you loved them? I don't want that. I want my grandkids to think I was awesome as a cook and as a person.
I have a cousin who's mother would always tell her she was stupid and it always mad me so angry because here was this kid who was in honor roll and taking on so many activities and trying so hard to make her mother happy that nothing was ever good enough. Now I feel like she is living the life she is because she doesn't think she's worth more than she is right now and I don't see much for growth as a person. Unless something or someone comes in and shows her that there is more to life than what she has and that she deserves more than that town and that job. Some abuse leaves marks that cannot be seen by other or even the abused. Verbal abuse is just as bad as the physical. It makes me sad that my family has so many issues but I know we are not alone in our struggles. Everyone has problems most worse than mine. But I hope that by writing this I can work through my issues and maybe shed some light on yours. Maybe together we can work through the pain of the past and find a brighter side of things. If anything else please know that if you find yourself in a place where there is abuse there are places to go for help.
http://www.childhelp.org/pages/hotline
http://www.scmcbws.org/
I love you, honey!
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